Chapter 1

I can't say I have a way of words. Or that I even know what I'm writing about. I guess I'm writing about how I found love. And how I lost it because of my prejudice. And how I found it again only to lose it. That woman, I thought I loved her, I thought I could give everything to her, I thought if I was strong enough, I could take care of her. I guess I thought wrong, perhaps she is just another bitch. Or, perhaps I'm not strong enough to admit... To admit that I am a woman.

It began, I suppose, the winter of my sixteenth year. I met a beautiful girl, a girl by the name of Serena. I gazed upon her with almost worshipfully, her long black hair, her coy smile. . . and most of all, her eyes. Her eyes were perfection. beautiful and round, they crinkled just a tiny bit at the corners and brightened when she smiled. Her eyebrows, too, helped only to accentuate the beauty of her eyes, deepening the mood in her expressive eyes. I wanted to always be near her. I wanted to be like her.

This reverence is probably what got me in trouble in the first place. She put a spell over me. Her scent, her soft hands and her eyes. Oh her eyes. I remember them as she asked me to come to her house to help her with the homework in the class we shared. Innocent, her eyes.

She drove me to her house, after school, in her little car. There was chit chat, the usual, when the subject of my love life came up. I became silent.

"Am I being too personal?" she asked quizzically.

I shook my head, "No, it's not you. It's just that there's been a lot going on lately. I think... I think he's falling for another girl," my voice cracked and I choked a little on my words.

Her car stopped, we were in front of her house. Her warm arm encircles my shoulders and I lean towards her warmth. "It's okay," she whispers... narf. Finish later. not in the mood anymore.

Prologue
Just letting my fingers run wild

And so she looked at me, sadly. Her moist eyes, filled just to the brim with tears telling me more than any words could say. Quietly she looked at me in a pathetic, pleading manner. My arm around her, stroking her back gently, I whispered, "Shh... It's for the better... Its for the better."

A miscarriage. I can't say I'm not glad. When she told me she had cheated on me with him, I was so angry. But, when she became pregnant, I could not have asked for anything better. Afterall, I couldn't have done so myself -- though Lord knows I wish I could have. I held her, smoothing her long black hair back, kissing her damp cheek.

"Come on, let's go home."

^_^; Eccentric

What better way to revive my interest in KEY Club, than the prospect of seeing Nick at Convention. Strange, yes?...

>_< Craperoo. Just found out that Roozbeh lives in Nick's dorm.. And has even eaten with him!! How scary! I hope he doesn't talk any crap about me to Nick. :( I'd be so embarassed.

Ahh, yes.

Key Club convention is coming up soon, and I know I should be excited. Only, for some reason I'm not... I mean, after it's over... That means it's really over for me. I guess I'll become one of those people who joins Circle K trying to rekindle my Key Club days. I sincerely hate my home club right now, though. Up to the point where I don't even want to go to the meetings. All the joys that came so easily before have slowly but surely faded into fake smiles and forced laughter. I hate it.

Sigh.

No time to blog, no time to blog. My life has become really busy somehow... I guess when I actually HAVE a life, I don't blog. Haha. =] Or perhaps I'm just not feeling like posting my personal thoughts to the world. And posting anything else wouldn't be in my style.

Turning 18 was uneventful. I really wish I would stop being so lame.

So.. Nick is like

I'm gonna buy you some underwear for your birthday... And I'm like.. "Cool!"... But I can't tell if he's serious or not... O_o... I've never gotten underwear from anyone but my mommy. . .

Funny thing

The randomest people are coming out of the woodwork and telling me happy birthday. ^_^ While those that I expect to say it to me haven't. :D I guess they're all saving it for tomorrow... ;) Since that's when it is... Mmm... Cake...

^_^ Wow! Pleasant surprise

It's always nice to go to a page and see your own page linked on their side bar.. :) It makes me feel as if I'm loved and thought of. Thanks Jenny!... I'm going to put you onto my side bar as soon as I remember to!! ^_^* Times like these I wish I didn't use SSI, so I could fix it right in the template. Eh, oh well. ;) Saves me trouble in many other ways.

MUAH!

Wanting a better body

While looking around me, it seems as if everybody else has a better body... I envy girls and sometimes guys for the size of their breasts. :( Mine are miniscule in comparison. Generally, I don't notice these things, but I've been getting a lot of comments on my flat butt lately. Awww. :T

The worst luck!

I've gotten in the habit of beginning my conversations with a certain guy named Noel with an "attention getter"... You know, a shocking comment, or a story... Yesterday it was "When I was younger and found out what a penis was, I thought I was growing a penis, but it turned out to be my clitoris."... Today, "Once in the middle of the night, I thought that I got up and went pee, but it turned out I was dreaming and I peed on my bed.".... Hahaha... But somehow, someway, every single time I say something to the effects of, "Nick has a large pulsating penis"... Nick... happens...to..be..there... ;_;!! It's happened three for three already... And I can't help but wonder if I'm cursed. Haha. I don't know, I don't know. I think I'll just stop that from now on.

KEY Club

If you don't know, KEY club is a community service organization that I've belonged to for over three years... Now that my KEY Club term is almost over, I feel rather melancholy. Sure I've complained about being tired of it off and on this year... But at this point, with two real weeks left of my term... I'm never going to have an opportunity like this again -- That is to meet people and make such close friends so instantaneously. It's strange, how I feel close to some of the members on board -- and we rarely even talk. It's just a connection you feel, I think... When you're forced to spend weekends together like that. I really hope we keep talking for a long time. . .

Sigh... Convention will be beautiful.

Recently

Recently I've been getting a lot of e-mails from people I knew in middle school. It's strange, since I haven't heard from some in years. Almost heartbreaking, really. I don't know if it's really wise to reply... I guess everybody feels the need to contact each other one moer time before we REALLY separate our different ways.

Anyhow

Haven't had the time to post much, lately. I feel so weighed down with work and whatnot... Maybe I should start writing letters to people in class again... That annoys the hell out of my teachers, though. :T Maybe during study time...

I'm just looking to pass class at this point. :T

In a DAMN good mood

It's very funny, because I'm not doing very well in anything, and I feel like a failure... But somehow, I'm in a horribly good mood. I wonder what is making me feel this way. Perhaps it was the dip in the jacuzzi. Perhaps I'm just a crazy biach.

Ahh, I've missed you so much Katie

I know we haven't talked for a long time... And considering what went down, I shouldn't be too surprised... I never meant to do anything to hurt you, Katie... I hope with all my heart you are doing well with whatever you have decided to do.. And yeah.. I guess that's it... I miss you... I think you are one of the only people I've ever truly loved without having met...

I'm tired, but somewhat happy. ^_^*

Last night was our school's second annual student film fest. ^_^* I entered a video I made for video production this year... :P How ebarassing!! Haha, especially with my ugly mug projected on a huuuuuuge screen for the 300 or so people to see. Ne ne. It was a great rush, though... Even though I was really corny!! ^_^* I'm really proud of myself, because I was the ONLY girl who made a video, and the ONLY main female part (meaning, more than 10 seconds)..(Bwhahaha!!)... Out of 12 films!! Go me.. I kick booty.. :P But now.. There's a Nick fan club at my school, and, well.. I donno.. Hahhahaa I feel jealous! They're all so gorgeous. :T

^_^*** He IS a cutie though.

Tired of Ish

I think I'm suffering from really bad "senioritis" right about now. I just want to get out of school and do something. I think it's just the lack of sleep that's wearing me down. I'm not really looking forward to the hasty midterm/final study rush in college. :T Sigh

On a brighter note

Hahaha I downloaded hella Korean/Japanese/DDR music on this computer at school. It's like being at home!! ^_^; Actually, these Korean songs remind me of freshman year... Wow, such bright memories... For most people it's easier to forget good memories and remember the bad ones... But somehow, for me, nostalgia no matter how bitter is always sweeet at the same time.

Who is the "Perfect Human"

Has one ever existed? If so who is he/she? What is perfect? Is there such a thing as too perfect?.... Four hours of sleep and I go crazy. My mind is filled with so many questions that I would never have thought to ask... It's probably much like the epiphany that Paul McCartney felt when he used hash the first time and knew "the meaning of life"... Hmmm. I wonder what my meaning in life is? Feh. To sleep.

Strange

Strange how love can be such an illusion. Strange, how wanting love, waiting for love, wishing for love can be such heart wrenching, stomach clenching experiences... And yet... So pleasantly adolescent at the same time. I don't want to get older... How will I know love when I find it? I'm so unsure of myself... How do people know they are in love?

^_^* Awww! You're so sweet Michelle

"C'mon, chica. Granted I haven't met you in person, but is this how you really feel? Is it fun to be self-depracating? You're so awesome. So much energy, ideas, and smarts. Don't worry about your schools, too. No matter where you end up, I'm sure you'll change things around."~ ^_^ *SniFF* I'm touched.

:)~ I think I was just in the insecure mode of my PMS cycle. ^_^* I usually get one or two days in the month where I'm just not my usual confident self. ^_^; Stupid hornymones. ^_^* It's all good, though.. :)!! I'm coo now...

Just formatted my computer

Took me an entire day just to back up everything I had onto CD!! Wah!! I had more than two gig's worth of MP3. ^_^* Can't wait to get off this 56K so I can download even more!

Well, Ray...

^_^* I got accepted into my four last choice schools! Hahahaha. :P All good, though... ^_^* I really wouldn't mind going to them, it's just... feh. I haven't heard of anybody actually getting rejected to them... so I'm like... Feh... I can't wait till I get rejected to all of the places that I actually WANT to go to... =T That'd be my luck.. ne???.. Anyhow... I got into UC Riverside (blah) UC Santa Cruz (Bigger BLAH) UC Davis (Stupid cows) And UC Irvine (Anteaters go ZOT ZOT.. But when things go bad they go TOZ TOZ)..

My "Mens" Have Changed

For a few weeks it was this group of breakdancing pinoys. ^^ Boy were they cute!... Just recently, though, I found this very cool page full of Taiwanese boys and glamour shots! SCORE! They call themselves the The Lychee Boys.. Beautiful! Beautiful! ... My favourites are Jailbait and The Fonz are my personal favourites. ^_^ ... The funniest part is that Jailbait is the one who clicked the "meet this person" thing on AMIHOTORNOT... :) I clicked YES so hard I thought my finger was going to break off when it asked "Do you want to accept?" or whatever it says...

Amihotornot.com

Darn... I'm always going to be a 8.5 on amihotornot.com... =T I want to get a better picture taken of myself!! ^_~ Then maybe I'll be an 8.6. My goal is to continually heighten my score so that ultimately I break 9.0.... ^^ It's like the SAT's, only with my pictures!!... Now... Let's see what I can do in Adobe photoshop... :D Lets see if I can go from "ehh.." too "oOo!" ahahah..

I agree heartily

[scroll to the second to last post on that page.] People do talk too much about their love problems on blogger. I can't say that I don't do it myself, because I do, constantly... ^_^ It's still pretty annoying to read about other people's love problems... Well, at least when they're just being whiney about it. I have to admit, I enjoy reading about people's problems when they give me some kind of insight into my own. However, posts that are just like "OMG I like blahblahblah so much, I wish blahblahblah would like me," and then the content end right there? Nah. Not the type I like to read. I don't like to read cryptic entries. I guess that's why lately I've been making a conscious effort to uncryptify [not a real word] my blog entries. I don't really care if anyone reads it, but I want it to be an enjoyable experience when they do read it.

But then, that's why sometimes blogger is a very personal thing. Even if people read it, it's like they're not reading it at all. I suppose it all comes down to how you want to portray yourself on the internet...

For example, this guy... I don't know, Ray. When you say stuff like that it just makes me wonder. If you're going to say something just say it, if you're not then don't, but don't give me that in betweenie shit, because that's why I stopped reading. "I guess there are some things that I don't understand"... Don't understand what?... I used to enjoy your blog because you were one of the only people who were actually thorough. Now it's just like listening to an 8th grader whine. I can't even sympathize for you, all I think is "So, what?"... Oh well, it's your choice.

I realise

I'm rather good at making a decent first impression... But I have trouble following that up sometimes -- in "intrest factor" that is. Meaning, I get boring as time goes on. Maybe I should make a conscious effort to save some of my more interesting stories for rainy days. :P

Recieved my first letter of acceptance

And my first bout of indigestion. . . Funny how they should both occur in the same day. I believe I have found the culprit of the latter. Earlier in the day I ate a rather hot pepper. One of those insidious little pepper seed motherfuckers must have found its way onto my stomach lining. Feh.