Am I a hypocrite when I say "I'm speechless"? Because in saying so, I am not speechless... But I dont want to just sit there and say nothing... Bah. Humans.

I'm so envious towards the girl who gets to kiss HIM tonight. Aiee.

1. I will be more organized
2. I will finish THE BOX
3. I will eat less
4. I will do my English homework BEFORE 5th period.
5. I will use my planner for things other than papers and notes ^o^
6. I will make a conscious effort to look decent in public
7. I will limit myself to one ramen a week (in my special bowl, of course. ^o^)
8. I will do at least 100 good deeds a month
9. I will decide on a handwriting
10. I will not let myself become a burden. :T

New Year's Eve and I'm at home alone... Again... Well, my mother is here this time, at least, and I'm not watching the end-of-the-year Japanese showdown or whatever I was watching last year. She wouldn't let me go out tonight (Of course not, and stay out all night? Blasphemy!)

I guess I should be used to it... But it's moments like this that make me wish I had normal parents. You know... the kind that will let me out occasionally.

Welp.. Yeah... Back to thinking about my New Year's resolutions. :)

Hahahaha.... In a moment when my mind was completely mixed up, I opened up photoshop, and this is what appeared. Ahh. No thought process involved. Ijust did random things until i felt better. I don't know if I like it or not. I put a lot of emotion into it, but I don't believe it conveys what I want correctly.

I am one strange cookie. Haha.

My new favourite song: Pink - Hiccup
Why everytime I try to tell you how it feel
It's like a hiccup-cup come and it won't come-come
Soon as I think I'm bout to share my lovin
That's when the hiccup's comin
Why everytime I try to tell you how it feel
It's like a hiccup-cup come and it won't come-come
Soon as I think I'm bout to share my lovin
That's when the hiccup's comin

I don't wanna feel... the way that I do
I just wanna be... right here with you
I don't wanna see... see us apart..
I just wanna say it straight from my heart
I miss you...
What would it take... For you to see?
To make you understand that I'll always believe...
You and I... Can make it through...
And I still know I can't get over you...

I want to be a Ko-Gal. :D

You know.. I remember at one point in time... blogging continually, racing against other bloggers... They wanted me dead. I remember. :) I wonder if they want me dead tonight. :P

The things i should have said and should have done/
Are tinged with the darkness of regret/
May this dark soul never be graced with sun/

blahblahblah. there goes the first three lines of a poetic fiasco.

Blast from the PAST (winter 98/99): Never Again United: Prologue

You know what the weirdest part was? I pumped out at least one chapter every couple days... Hah. Just thought this would make some interesting reading. :)~

Long Island, New York.

Hee Jun rolled over on the bed and looked at his wife of two years. He grimaced, wondering what had made him marry her. Shaking his head, he sighed and rolled back over onto his side to the edge of the bed where he faced the wall. Trying to get back to sleep was impossible, but he would try anyway.

Finally, he had to get up. He could scarcely stand the shallow breathing of the vile creature next to him anymore. As he got up, Hee Jun could barely suppress a groan as his heart beat with the tiny exertion. Slipping on his slippers, he shuffled to the kitchen to get some breakfast.

Walking down the narrow halls of his apartment, he looked around at the pictures on the wall. He had told Yuri that he would help decorate the house, but she had stubbornly disagreed with him, saying that he could never do anything like the properly. Narrowing his eyes, a slight wave of anger boiled, making his face feel hot.

At careful inspection, the pictures were mostly of Yuri in the days when she was a girl in Fin.K.L., a singing group similar to his own, H.O.T. He shuddered as he stared at a certain picture of her that he had never seen before. "How could I have thought I loved her?" he asked himself softly. Suddenly, the realization hit him like a flying brick. He had never loved her. His heart started beating rapidly, and he leaned over, grasping the wall and clutching his chest. The dizziness was overwhelming, but he shut his eyes and squeezed everything around him out. He thought of good times, and happy jokes. The pain and dizziness slowly evaporated, leaving the usual disorientation and black splotches in his vision.

He treaded on towards the kitchen, angry that he had caused himself pain because of mere feelings. The dizzy spells had been hitting Hee Jun a lot recently, yet he did not know why. Before, they used to only come when he got in a fight with Yuri, but now, they came all the time.

As he went around the kitchen, making breakfast and coffee for himself, he thought about the revelation he had just come to. He marveled that he had never thought of it before. Shaking his head, the thought that he had never loved Yuri ran though his head.

The more he thought, the more he realized that the witch on the stairs above him had tricked him. She had tricked his pure heart into thinking that she needed him, that she loved him. "No matter what happens," she had said, "I will never stop loving you." It was then that she had smiled that smile.

Hee Jun scowled. That smile. He should have known that it was as false as everything else about her was. Of course, at the time he did not know that she was artificial at all. It had not been long after his marriage to her that she had shown him what that smile really meant. She never smiled in that manner unless she was about to harm someone.

He shuddered, thinking of how she smiled that smile on their honeymoon. Hee Jun closed his eyes and buried his head in his arms. How was he to know that signing an autograph in the streets was against the rules after you were married? Like a little boy, he flinched as if he could still feel the angry arms flailing at him, hurting him. Over time, those flailing arms had found a target, and with much practice, they became stronger, and much more accurate. He had just finished testing the bottle on his wrist as the little wail erupted from the baby intercom. He smiled as his one joy in life cried for him. His son was awake. Hee Jun wiped his wrist on his apron and stepped with a lighter step to the room of his son, Chin-Woo.

Outside, silent eyes followed his every move.

**

Chicago, Illinois.

He crouched down again as he heard another pair of footsteps. He was not afraid, but it was better to avoid as many people as possible. At least, that's what the boss had taught him. As the steps echoed away, and finally disappeared, he relaxed his shoulders and got up. Woo Hyuk straightened out his suit, making sure it was spotless. Then he bent over and picked up the bag.

Woo Hyuk heaved the bag over his shoulder, the familiar weight and feel of a human body not bothering him anymore. Somewhere in the corner of his mind, a voice whispered that it was wrong. Quickly the voice was squished into oblivion. He idly wondered why, if he was the second hand man, he had to do these trivial jobs.

He snarled, knowing the answer. Whenever the boss told him to do something like this, it meant that he thought Woo Hyuk was getting soft. Already, the boss was talking about casually removing Jae Won.

As he walked to the body drop-off point, his normally emotionless face took on a different kind of hardness as he thought of Jae Won. His younger partner had followed him after the group had broken up. Woo Hyuk had tried his best to protect Jae Won from the horrors of this kind of life, but the younger one had insisted. Jae Won seemed worshipped Woo Hyuk for his strength and coldness. His duty finally done, Woo Hyuk began the trek back home, casually looking into windows as he walked by them in the streets. He grinned sarcastically to himself, as he thought of how clueless everyone else was. For all they knew, he was just another businessman walking home from work. In truth, his particular suitcase carried one of the most powerful handguns ever created.

When Woo Hyuk got home, he collapsed on the couch and tried to recall all the events of the day; as he always did when he got home. Soon, Jae Won came home and grinned at him.

"Hey, Woo Hyuk, how was your day?" he put the bundles of grocery bags on the table and began to unpack.

Getting up to help Jae Won, Woo Hyuk grunted, "You don't want to know."

Jae Won winked, "Oh, the boss sent you to kill another one of those BITCHes huh? Man, I wish I were like you. I wish the boss would let me kill people!"

A flash of anger and hatred flashed over Woo Hyuk's eyes as he said harshly, "Never say that again Jae Won! NEVER!" With that, he got up and went to his room, leaving Jae Won to finish the groceries by himself.

Shrugging Jae Won finished the job. Woo Hyuk was always like that when the boss sent him on one of those assignments. Jae Won, himself, had never met the boss. Even though Woo Hyuk had made him take lessons in self-defense, and had taken him to gun ranges so that he could take care of himself and other things; Woo Hyuk had never taken Jae Won to see the boss.

There were many times that Jae Won had gotten Woo Hyuk to promise him a meeting, but for some reason or other it was always canceled. Woo Hyuk didn’t want him meet the boss, he knew it and Jae Won knew it. There was nothing Jae Won could do about it, though. Jae Won shrugged to himself, thinking, "Maybe it's because Woo Hyuk thinks I'm not good enough." With that, Jae Won promised to himself that he would try his hardest at his fighting, and, perhaps, he would practice his shooting on some real targets.

**

After Woo Hyuk had left Jae Won, he lay in his bed, wondering why life had given him such a gigantic responsibility. He wanted to tell Jae Won everything. Wanted to tell him so badly. But, he could not. There was no way that he would let Jae Won ever meet the Boss. It would be too tiring. He had to protect Jae Won. He was all that Jae Won had left now.

The reason that Jae Won had followed him to the States wasn't just because he wanted to follow Woo Hyuk's footsteps. It was also because he had nowhere else to go. Right before the group broke up, everyone's family in H.O.T had been brutally murdered. It was quietly covered up, but those who knew, lived in fear of becoming close to anyone in H.O.T.

Woo Hyuk wanted to scream. How had life turned to this? It was so wonderful, and then, suddenly everything happened. Hee Jun's new wife, the killings, Tony's disappearance, and then Kang Ta's. Kang Ta's face ran through Woo Hyuk's mind. Woo Hyuk bit his bottom lip until he could taste the coppery taste of his blood. There were times he wondered why he loved Kang Ta so much.

**

Long Island, New York.

"It's okay Chin-Woo, don't worry," Hee Jun cooed softly as he picked the little squirming person up. "Shhh," he whispered, as he picked up the bottle with his other hand and put it to Chin-Woo's little mouth.

As the little one started suckling the bottle, Hee Jun marveled at the little person in his arms. He touched the little hands holding the bottle so tightly, the little tuft of hair on Chin-Woo's head with gentle lips. Staring into those big, innocent eyes, he had no doubt that the child was his.

Suddenly, Hee Jun's heart began pumping faster, as the feeling of suspicion raised in his stomach once again. Putting Chin-Woo down gently, as not to hurt him during this moment, Hee Jun clutched at his chest as he had done many times before.

Hee Jun shook his head. This would not do, he would have to go to the doctor. Grimacing once again, he remembered that he could not. Yuri, his wife, always said that health was only the state of mind. The only reason a person could hurt, was if someone was thinking something wrong. She thought that someone only hurt if they thought they hurt. If he went to the doctor without consulting her, she would kill him. Steeling his shoulders, Hee Jun stood up straight. Why did he have to follow the ideas of someone he didn't love? Didn't even like? He grinned in truth for the first time in more than two years.

Suddenly, he heard a cough and remembered Chin-Woo. He picked Chin-Woo up, without looking down. It was then that he felt the lukewarm milk spill onto his hands. Looking down in alarm, his eyes widened.

Chin-Woo's mouth was filled to the brim with the bile and milk that babies often regurgitated. Only, this time, it was not normal. Hee Jun's little, perfect baby boy was turning blue. His heart beat, and the splotches suddenly showed in his eyes again, but even in that condition, he could only think of the good of Chin-Woo. It was only Chin-Woo who was important.

Picking up the phone, he called 9-1-1, and promptly blacked out.

**

San Francisco, California.

Woo Hyuk held the knife ruthlessly to the woman's neck. He smiled as the knife cut through the flesh and the woman opened and closed her mouth wordlessly. As he let go of her, it was all he could do to resist kicking her over and over until every bone in her body was broken. Instead, he spat on her.

"That's what you BITCHes deserve," he went to the fountain and washed off his hands, as if the filth of her made him feel dirty.

After the deaths of their families, H.O.T had split up, but Woo Hyuk was one of the only ones who ever followed the path of revenge. Very closely following the tragic murders, Woo Hyuk had been drawn into the seductive world of the Mafia. Soon after his joining, he had earned high rank within this new group he had joined.

A short while after he had joined, with some research and asking around, he had found out who had killed their families.

It was another underground group, called BITCH. The group allowed only women, and the women allowed in were almost always the most talented of their sex. The numbers were few and elite, but those who were there were more malicious and cold blooded than even the oldest family of the mob blood.

Though not known to the public, the BITCH were almost legendary in the underworld. The first Mafia of only women, they had a reputation of hating all men, and swore revenge to all. Though they had a giant dislike for men, the men that they disliked most were the famous ones. These women felt that they had always been ignored and that women should always be number one.

There were many killings of men in high seats, which were assassinations paid by the BITCHes for even the tiniest of chances that a woman would come to take the seat. They preferred it if it was one of them, but it would be acceptable if it was any other woman.

Woo Hyuk had a dangerous look in his eyes as he walked home to yet another apartment that he and Jae Won lived in occasionally. The boss had paid for an apartment in almost every big city in the states, and many in other parts of the world.

Apparently, hunting down BITCHes was an important job to the boss.

"Hn, Brilliant Intelligent Treacherous Chicks of Hell, what a stupid name," he muttered.

**

Long Island, New York.

When Hee Jun woke, he found himself lying in a slightly lumpy bed in a room that was quite bright. He squeezed his eyes shut again, then opened them again slowly. That was better. Recognizing he was in a hospital, he tried to remember moments before he blacked out, tried to figure out why he was there.

The memories hit him like a mallet in the head. Chin-Woo! Where was Chin-Woo? Hee Jun began to panic as he looked around the room. There was a nurse standing with her back to him.

"E-excuse me...?" he said quietly.

She turned around with a large syringe in her hand.

"Cou… Could you tell me where Chin-Woo is? That's my son. Chin-Woo Moon?"

She smiled as she lifted the needle up and pressed it a little so that the bubbles would be out of the syringe, "Oh, you won't have to worry about that, Moon Hee Jun." She said his name as if it was a death sentence. In the few moments before Hee Jun blacked out, the last thing he saw was a strange person with Yuri's smile. The smile he had learned to fear.

**

When Hee Jun woke again, he was in an ICU room. He could tell because he had a lot of machines around him and there was a window to the side showing only the hall, so that he could see the people who would come to see him. Inside, he laughed at the irony. Who would come to see him? Certainly, not his wife, his son was still a baby, and all the rest of his family was dead. Inwardly, he chuckled like a madman.

A doctor walked into the room, looking at his clipboard, frowning. When he looked up and saw that Hee Jun was awake, he put a warm smile on his face and sat down next to him.

"Hello, Hee Jun," he said, with a voice that matched his smile, "I'm very sorry about the nurse that did this to you. We have dispatched of her."

Hee Jun looked at him, questioningly. The doctor looked suddenly nervous, and began to sweat. "Actually, we have a person here to see you. He's says he's someone from the FBI."

The more that this went on, the more confused Hee Jun got. A thousand questions rushed through his head. Why was the FBI coming after him? He hadn't done anything wrong. Where was Chin-Woo? Was he okay? Did they save him? To his shock, the person who stepped in was no FBI agent. It was Kang Ta. The look on Hee Jun's face was of pure horror. It was the feeling of seeing the ghost of a long lost friend.

Kang Ta nodded at the doctor and waved his hand in a casual dismissing motion. Then, he turned to Hee Jun.

"Hee Jun," he said, with tears in his eyes, the poise that he had had before was gone, replacing it was a little boy, "Hee Jun, I hate seeing you this way. I was hoping that you could be happy with your wife. I always had suspicions about her, but I never knew things were this bad."

Hee Jun blinked, "What are you talking about?"

Sighing Kang Ta picked up the clipboard the doctor had left, "Hee Jun, you've been having heart problems lately, right?"

Hee Jun nodded.

"This will be hard for you to bear, but stay with me okay?" Hee Jun nodded obediently. Kang Ta had changed since the last time he had seen him. He was somehow, he paused to think of a correct word, harder.

Kang Ta sighed, then took Hee Jun's hands and looked into his eyes; "Do you remember when our families were murdered?" Hee Jun nodded slowly, "Well, I found out who did it. It's a female Mafia called BITCH. The name, meaning Brilliant Intelligent Treacherous Chicks of Hell, fits them well. I'll tell you more about them later.

"Anyway, the reason I left so suddenly was so that I could take revenge for our families. I knew that if they killed our families, they must have killed many, many, others," Kang Ta sighed deeply, "that is why, I started a small underground anti-BITCH group. In mockery to them, we called ourselves PIMP, Phyne Intelligent Male Pimps," Kang Ta laughed, "somehow, the name got stuck, and now we're almost as well known as BITCH."

Kang Ta paused to allow Hee Jun time to let everything sink in. When he felt Hee Jun was ready, he started to speak again, "Hee Jun, your wife, Yuri, is one of the Best Seven, better known as BS." Here, Kang Ta drew in a ragged breath, "Yuri, your wife, has been feeding you poison, Hee Jun. It's been a while now, and only a little at a time, so that it seems as if you gradually got a weak heart Hee Jun." Hee Jun started, and then clutched his chest; the machine next to him began to beep rapidly. Once again, Kang Ta waited until he thought Hee Jun was ready.

"Your son, Chin-Woo, she had poisoned his milk too. They suspected you at first, but then they found the poison in you, too. When they searched the house, they found all of Yuri’s things gone. Chin-Woo's gone Hee Jun, he died. And Yuri, let's just say it'll be very very difficult to find her."

It was then, that Hee Jun could not stand the strain anymore and passed out once again. The nurses who came in gave Kang Ta accusing stares. He just gave them back an equally cold stare and said in that new commanding tone of his, "Make sure nothing happens to this man, or I'll have to deal with all of you in a way you won't like." The nurses didn't have to ask to know what he meant by deal. Kang Ta stepped out of Hee Jun's room and pulled out his cell phone and dialed a number he called often.

**

Woo Hyuk picked up his cell, "Hyuk," he said as a greeting.

He pulled a deep breath into his lungs as he heard the voice on the other line,

"They got Hee Jun?

"Yuri is WHAT?

"Where?

"Okay, I'll be there as soon as I can get Jae Won to pack.

"Take care, boss," with that, he hung up the phone. He got up and went into Jae Won's room. "Pack up whatever you've taken out, there's an emergency. The BITCHes have gotten Hee Jun. Now it's even more personal. Family is family. H.O.T is higher than life."

**

Long Island, New York.

Kang Ta paced the newly rented condo. In his deep thought, he didn't notice the beautiful furniture, nor did he have time to calm himself in the cool woods. All he could think about was Hee Jun, and how he would have to get them back for this. Not only had they killed Hee Jun, they had killed Hee Jun's son. That was a cruelty worse than all others were. A child, not even a year old, killed. He growled a growl deep in his throat. Just then, Woo Hyuk and Jae Won walked in. Jae Won was startled, "Kang.. Kang Ta?"

Raising an eyebrow to Woo Hyuk, he nodded, "Yes, I guess Woo Hyuk hasn't told you to save you, but now I know we need you. Jae Won, I am the Boss." There was a sharp intake of breath as Jae Won registered what was just happening. He had finally met the boss. The boss was Kang Ta. Someone he had been with for many times before that. And yet, he was the boss. Jae Won shook his head as he stared in wonder. He wondered how he hadn't been able to guess that before.

After a little reunion between the three former members of H.O.T, they began to think of plans on how to have revenge against the BITCHes.

**

There was nothing that could be done before Hee Jun was out of the hospital they had decided. Kang Ta put two of his best men on guard at Hee Jun's room. Another thing that was decided was that they had to find Tony. The three of them were convinced that Tony's disappearance had to have something to do with the BITCHes. Woo Hyuk confessed quietly to Kang Ta that he never worried about Tony because he thought Kang Ta had been taking care of it.

Now they worried, thought Jae Won didn't show very much feeling. He had been getting really good at acting as if he did not care lately. It wasn't exactly cold, or commanding like Woo Hyuk or Kang Ta. It was just an air of indifference, the kind of air that a superior would give.

From the first, Kang Ta took charge; no one ever fought with him. There were times when he was nervous; Kang Ta wondered to what end this blind worship would come to.

End Prologue

I don't know if I ever talked about this before, but I'm actually part of a group blog... It's for people who were at the San Diego Comic Convention... Haha... I kept in contact with this guy who asked me to join his blog, so I did. :) I post there occasionally...

Yanno, for some reason, part of me enjoys that a little bit better. I don't know why... Perhaps it's because the traffic isn't quite as high there... perhaps it's simply because it has a less personal feel. I mean, there, I talk more about the animes I've watched etc etc... Haha.. I bet 90%of my readers dont know what Fushigi Yuugi or Rurouni Kenshin or Marmalade Boy are...

I know nobody really likes to read group blogs... But in a way, its a lot less a blog, but more of a forum of sorts. I've always been a big fan of forums. I remember those days when I used to spend all my time at aForums.com (formerly dachamber.net), AsianWired, the AsianX forums, and a few others I don't even remember..

At one point I think I even had my own forum. Not that anybody cared to post in it. Hm.

I have to make fun of you sometimes. Otherwise you would think that I'm too nice to be true ... and that I'm hiding something.

I still have an hour to get ready before my friend comes over. Hah. Omg. I'm going to end up throwing soemthing on as he rings the doorbell. WHY do i procrastinate? I do not know. Blah.

My mother is strange. It's OK with her if I HANG out at my house w/ buddies.. but nto GO out. Bleh.

HAHAHA what the heck?? Somebody explain "run out of gas" routine to me?
nick (7:19:12 PM): be careful dont let him pull that "ran out of gas, routine"
nick (7:19:19 PM): thats a doozy
nick (7:19:31 PM): i've been a victim of it for some time now

hair on Nick: Cute
hair on other men: Turnoff

?_?

New layout kiddos. :) Hope you enjoy it. This features Faye Valentine from Cowboy BeBop.. :D damn she's sexy.

I am disgusted by my displays of cowardice. ARGH.

I came back from SoCal last night. I had a really good time... :) I got to spend time with my brother, which is always good, and see Nick.

Seeing Nick after so long was kind of strange... There wasn't really a gameplan, persay, so we kinda just played the thing by ear. I think one of my favorite parts was standing on the pier and looking out into the ocean. The sunlight hurt my eyes... But it was just so nice, having him there next to me..

We went to Hooters to eat. Haha. It totally reminded me of my first time at Hooters in Florida... That was only two weeks before I met him for the first time... Mmm.. The workings of a human mind.

At one point I felt really weak and dizzy... I don't know why. The dizziness was pretty sucky though... At first I was just really hot, so I took off my shirt.. But then I still had some dizzy spells occasionally... We ended up just sitting down and talking for a little while.

It was hard to tell, whether or not he was enjoying himself... For me it was enough to to just see him, just to talk to him... I think I would have enjoyed it immensely if we just found a comfortable place to sit and talk... Damn, too bad there weren't any.

I found myself wanting to say things, and then not saying them. Sometimes I thought I had said them... But I guess I was just spacing out... He would ask me what I was thinking about, and then I would realize I had gone quiet. I didn't really mean to... At times it just felt like my mind was going in two directions, my personal thought versus what I said... hn.

IF YA SMELELELELLELELELELELLLLL WHAT MY BROTHER... IS COOKING... You would run away.

I'm extremely offended by the horrible desecration of the artificial orange juice industry on this page. Allow me to complain like a bitch, go off on a tangent for a little while, and bitch a little bit more. First of all... TANG!! TANG!! DAMNIT!! What do you think you're doing telling people to drink Hi-C... That stuff at least has some nutritional value.. And it doesn't SOUND cool. And you don't get that *kick* from it... Ohhh.. The kick... You remember back in the day... when you wondered what Tang tasted like undiluted and then took a bite and it gave you a sugarhigh?... Mmmm... Er.. Okay, maybe not everyone experienced that, but oh well. You know waht.. I think i need some sleep. hah.

I'm about to go to Santa Monica... If any of you want to meet up with me hit me up on my cell. 408.420.7830

Blogger's been mean and not letting me on. Yet, for some reason, now that I'm on... I don't really have anything to say. Haha... YAY! I AM going down to LA though, which is a good thang. :) Happy!

sigh. dismal.

I feel like eating all of nick's cookies. but then what will i give him for xmas? :( but then.. im not going down there. grrness. well.. im not sure.. but it's looking bleak.

omg. if i dont go to LA im going to kick something. HARD.

Chapter 24

I sit at my table, behind Danilo, looking at the adorable tuft of hair that always seems to stand up after lunch. I smile, happy to see that even as I struggled inwardly, everything about him was still the same. Since that night with Chil-Hyun, I had not been able to bring myself to talk to him again. In fact, I hadn’t left the house for anything besides school for more than a week. Reality was just too depressing.

I love him. I knew it; everyone who mattered knew it. He probably even knew it. Then why can I not bring myself to tell him that I love him? Why was I content to simply look at the back of his head, and not do a thing to further our relationship?

Truthfully, I did not know. I longed for him, I love him, and yet, I did not want to long for him. I did not want to love him.

To love him was to bring upon myself the horrible premonition that love between us was impossible. He was right next to me, but he was a million miles away.

He turned. He smiled. I smile back. He turns to the front again.

Oh, the pain. The dreadful, abominable pain that surfaces every time I think about his perfection. To be friends with him! How did I ever think that that would be enough for me? That was not enough! I needed to have him. I needed for him to be mine.

I looked down at my paper. Todokanai ai. Unreachable love. I had scrawled the Japanese characters onto my notes.

Snort. How appropriate. Love within my grasp, yet unreachable.

Chapter 23

Actually, after that, I don’t remember much… So I’ll leave that to your imagination. From then, all the events became inconsequential. I take you now to a conversation that stands out clearly in my mind from that time. Chil-hyun began to ask me about my reasons for not telling Danilo about my feelings for him.

I looked at him with amazement, “How on earth,” I began, “How on earth can you expect me to believe that you and I alone can defeat fate?” My eyes filled with desperate tears. I had long given up on my stars. “You don’t understand, my love for him is not right. My love for him was never meant to be. I cannot change what I know is a fact! I cannot bend fate.”

How do you know it is fate that holds you?” asked he, as he turned to face me, “Right now, you are nothing but a coward, with no wit, no strength and no merits to speak of.”

I felt my hackles rise as he spoke. Sadly, a voice within wailed “I know! I know!” I had let myself go. The star folding, the rug making, even going after Danilo, the one I love, I saw in myself a dematerialization of I had ever believed in – all I had ever worked for.

“God,” I said, “If there is a God, please give me strength,” I whispered, “ I need somebody to lean on, somebody who knows.”

My friend looked at me with pity in his eyes. “Chin-woo,” he sighed, “something has happened to you. You are not the same as you used to be.”

“It’s not that I’ve really changed into something different. It is that I am becoming again who I once was before I knew you,” I replied, my voice barely over a whisper. I felt quite sorry for myself: I could not find the strength from within to bring my eyes up to his for some reason.

“No,” he said, his eyes burning into my soul, “you’ve changed and I can see by the look in your eyes that you hate the creature you’ve become –“

“Enough!” I suddenly shouted, ”Enough,” quietly, “I will not sit here any longer listening to your pseudo doctor words, you want to analyze my mind? Get a degree or something. Strap me down again. Give me more tranquilizers. But I refuse to sit her and listen to someone who is supposed to be my friend tell me that I hate myself.”

He looked at me with pain in his eyes. He reached out his hand. I frowned, and physically ad mentally jerked myself away from his kindness. I could not bear any of that at the moment. No more than I could bear the pains of his relentless truthfulness.

In a whispered voice, my throat choking on the words, I turned to him and said, “Please, I need to be alone now.”

He nodded silently and stood up from my bed and walked to the door. When he reached it he turned back to me and said quietly, “If you need anything, anything at all, I mean it, just call me. You know my mobile number. Please Chin-woo. Just think of what I said.”

I could see the empathy in his eyes a suffering that I knew all too well. I could feel my own selfish heart contract with the pain one feels when one knows he is in the wrong. And yet, as I saw his back retreat, I could not bring my wretched soul to go after him. I wanted to apologize for my harsh words. I wanted to take back my angry thoughts. I wished a thousand things. And yet, as his steps resounded upon the staircase in my house, I sat still, my love for him deepening, my limbs unmovable just the same.

“Why,” I asked myself, musing, “Why is it, that I must ruin every great thing that has ever been given to me? Is this my divine punishment for some horrendous deed that I did in some remote past life? And why am I still clinging on to this life in the first place? What does it mean?” I asked myself, “to live? What is living, but a bunch of chemicals reacting with one another in my head? Why is there this incessant instinct to live, yet there seems no other reason to live other than to reproduce, so that they, too, can die. What use is any kind of beauty, when all that is beautiful is ephemeral? All that was once beautiful must become withered and die. Why do I live to see all this? What is this stream of consciousness? Even this very battle within myself… What does it have to do with the meaning of anything? What does it do for anything at all? In the end, I gain nothing, but something, a whole lot of nothing, and a bunch of electrons changing places” I slumped back onto my pillow, my eyes closed, my fingers to my temples. I could not begin to contemplate the meaning of life with my feeble and incomplete mind. I could not decide anything important with the simplified mass of chemicals, flesh and blood that filled my cranium.

I felt tired, defeated, and horribly stupid as I rolled over on my bed and began an uneasy sleep.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

It's the grid!

It's the grid!

I can't live without the grid. I love the grid.

I finally worked on some of my pages!! :D YAY ME!! What's been updated?? well..

www.madpimp.com
http://portfolio.madpimp.com
http://madpimp.com/teensoulfood
WOo HOOO! i feel good. :) My hand is cramping though. :T

Tired tired. Dont want to do anything. Lazy.

WOW! I finally have a new desktop!! GYEAH BABY GYEAAAAAAAAAH! :) Check it out man!! Hella toite.

Before

After!

Why is it that no matter how bad I feel, after I talk to Nick, I always feel better? :) I don't know how he does it! But if I did, I'd be doing it to myself all the time! Heehee.. He just totally makes me smile...

But then again. It might just be because I'm very very tired and on a lot of drugs. =}

Yeah! I totally didn't end that post... My friend finally came and we were late for school. Yet again. Hah.. It really sucks to have a 7AM class. Yep.. Anyway.. I'm supposed to be either working on my hamlet essay or trying to memorize my to be or not to be presentation. Of course, as usual, I am doing neither. :) The joys of being a teenager with 4.5 AP classes.

Bloggety blog blog blog. I haven't blogged in ages. Sigh. Too much stuff to do, and too little time! You know, I almost for got to turn in my forms for a cap and gown and tassle? Bah humbug. Could you imagine how horrible that would be, if I couldn't go to graduation. Damnit. I've woked for years, essentially for that moment. Sigh. Anyhow... Yeah... It's early in the morning... You must forgive me.

Right about now, I'm all dressed and ready to go and waiting for my friend to come pick me up. Yanno. I don't get it. Some days, I feel like being a total scrub, and dressing all gross and

I just had this totally whacked out dream that my mom suddenly drove me somewhere and I was so tired that I fell asleep in the car. Then in that process, she took me all the way down to LA. When in LA i somehow got to the Long Beach convention center and it was time for Key Club convention, but my mom wouldn't let me go because she wanted family time. And the entire time there were patrol people in white suits like the intel people that were chasing me because I was carrying a paper bag full of books.

Is it too much to ask... All I want is to be a pokemon master. Alas... Apparently that is not for me during this life time. How come I feel as if I will be reincarnated as an anime character? That would be interesting... but strange.

I just recently found out i can't go to hawaii. That really sucks. But I might still get the chance to go down to LA. :P So yeah... Mixed feeling about that.

I'm talking to my "bro" boo boo right now... he's the best. I think he is one of the only people that really understands me. It's weird, but when I talk to him, I feel like I'm actually being understood, instead of the usual "uh huh yeah.. i don't understand what you're talking about but i'll just laugh anyway. haha"...

Winter ball is today. I'm not going of course. Nobody asked me. Bleh.

And thus begins my career as a garbage engineer.

Friend troubles, boy troubles... School troubles, work troubles. Sometimes I feel as if all the troubles in life are coming towards me like a speeding bullet -- and I cannot do anything to stop them. Indeed, if I am not eventually able to clear my mind of these trivialities, I do believe I will suffer an emotional breakdown. Perhaps I am due for one.