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January 07, 2005
The (currently) 12 different types of poo.
So, those of you that know me, you know that I don't shit very much. Though lately my bowel movements have been fairly regular (once every 2-3 days, and sometimes even daily), in the past it was not uncommon for me to go for a week or even two at a time without taking a shit. Every time I need to take a shit, I announce it - and my roommate says "See you later!"
The funny thing is, the home I grew up in was built in the 1940's or 1950's, so the plumbing is pretty old. When I used to live at home, every time I took a shit [almost without fail, not including diarrhea] the toilet would get clogged up. I know. The only way I was ever able to avoid this is if I cut the giant log in half with my sphincter and flushed about 4 or 5 times per pooing session.
For this reason (the clogging), the fact that it doesn't happen often, and simply because I am fascinated by bodily functions, I have become a great connoisseur of the different types of poo. Some of these types can occur at the same time in the same shitting session. The numbers don’t really mean anything except for use as reference.
Kim’s 12* Different Types of Poo
*note this will probably be ammended to include more later as I think of them.Type 1: Your Average Joe Poo
This is your average run of the mill poo. It comes out, not too thick, not thin, normal colored and only messy enough for you to know that it’s poo. Even Goldilocks couldn’t complain about this shit. Really.Type 2: The Bleeder
When you see red streaks on your toilet paper as you’re wiping.Type 3: The Bleeder 2
This is the one that really makes your anus bleed. Not just the little red streaks on your toilet paper while you’re wiping, but the straight up "fuck, I just ripped myself another asshole". You will know the bleeder when you feel it, and if you look in the toilet bowl, you can see streaks and swirls of red mixing in with the yellow water.Type 4: The Smoothie
This is the one that’s not quite diarrhea, but as close as you can get without calling it a diarrhea. When Type 4 hits the bowl, it does not stay in a log shape, instead it tends to form into a little pile at the bottom of the bowl. If you’re shitting enough, this is one of the poos that will stick up out of the water.Type 5: The Frozen Yogurt
This is related to Type 1: Your Average Joe Poo, but it’s just really really long. So long that it curls up on itself and looks like, what else? Frozen yogurt.Type 6: The Kielbasa
Often, this time happens in conjunction with Type 3: The Bleeder or Type 4: The Bleeder 2. Similar to Type 5: The Frozen Yogurt, this is the type that is too thick to curl into a tight pile, but is still extra long. This kind tends to curl around the side of the toilet bowl, giving it the look similar to a polish sausage. However, it does not have to, because sometimes shit doesn’t go smooth like that. The only requirement for the kielbasa is that the shit has to be 1.75 inches in diameter or bigger.Type 7: The Mr. Clean
This is the one that is the trickiest. It occurs randomly with different types of poo. It is very rare, but on the occasion that it does happen it freaks me out. This is the poo where once you’re done, you go to wipe and nothing comes off on the toilet paper. When you’re like, WTF mate? Where did the shit streaks go? You then usually proceed to wipe 5 or more times unsuccessfully, wasting most of your toilet paper.Type 8: The A-Bomb Explosion
The A-Bomb explosion also goes by the name of "Diarrhea". A lot of times, Type 4: The Smoothie or Type 9: The "Am I peeing out of my ass?" will follow this shit. This is the one that usually hurts the most and the longest before and after the dropping. I have broken a sweat more than once with this type of poo.Type 9: The "Am I peeing out of my ass?"
This, along with Type 8, are probably the messiest of the different types of shit. This is the one where it feels like water is just pouring out of your ass. No matter how hard you dab your asshole, you’re scared that liquid is gonna leak out.Type 10: The Cork
This tends to cause the Bleeders as well, and is followed by "Am I peeing out of my ass?" and The Smoothie. This is when you have a really hard piece of shit at the beginning of your poo, and once that is released, a slew of liquid is released.Type 11: The Rabbit Poo
This is the one that comes out in little pellets. This one for me seems to occur a lot with Type 10: The Cork. (Generally the cork itself is a rabbit poo that causes a Type 4: Bleeder 2).Type 12: The Streaker
This is the opposite of Type 7: The Mr. Clean - This is the one where no matter how much you wipe it never seems to go away. Every single wipe yields another brown streak. And you keep wiping...and wiping... and wiping. Until a little bit of Type 3: The Bleeder occurs.-----------
Ammendments
Type 13: The Corn Poo (thanks, Brett)
Not limited to just corn, just any poo in which food still looks the same coming out as it did coming in.
Type 14: The Flaming Hot Cheeto
This is like, the worst shit ever. Especially when worked in combination with A-Bomb explosion. This is the shit that burns your ass and makes it almost numb with the stinging painful sensation. If you really ate flaming hot cheetos, the color of this poo is red.Type 15: The Albino Poo (thanks, Larry)
Larry says once his poo was white and he didn’t know why. I’m opening this type too all the times your poo is a weird color and you don’t know why.Thanks for Commenting:
Steve, DC, RaSenGan, Lan, Eric, , Sid, John, Angela, Brett, Darrell, Ivy, Long, Larry, Diana, Pink_hilights, MyLynn, JOy, Allen, Jerome, Vinh, LumpiaBlog, Diana, bettertomorrow, xhopefully5x, Phil, and Linda.
Posted by Kim at January 7, 2005 11:14 AM
Comments
Haha, the "poopie list" someone sent me a different version of it a couple weeks ago and it went like this:
The Poopie List*
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!
Posted by: DC at January 7, 2005 12:03 PM
Damnit. I thought I was being so original, too
Posted by: kim at January 7, 2005 12:37 PM
For the short time your back to madpimp you sure talk about poop alot ...LOL The funny thing is I can relate to just about all except for the bleeders (ew and ow) and the Albino (?). Of all the one I fear on your list the most, it's got to be the Flaming Hot Cheetos... =/ This is so funnie I will surely pass this list on.. =D
never knew any girl who knows so much about poop... go figure. you're a special girl. =P
Posted by: RaSenGan at January 7, 2005 04:51 PM
D'oh! Sorry =(
Posted by: DC at January 7, 2005 05:33 PM
Oh and if it means anything... Your list is a lot better... And detailed and a more uhh, entertaining read. :X
Posted by: DC at January 7, 2005 05:34 PM
ROTFL!
Yup, everyone loves "dropping the kids at the pool"
Posted by: richard at January 8, 2005 12:32 PM
OMG this is awesome kim! really funny. i had no idea there were sooo many hehehe. i'm really happy that madpimp.com is back up and running yay!
Posted by: CiaoMichaella at January 8, 2005 01:45 PM
omg that is the funnist thing ive read in sooo long!!
Posted by: NAJA at January 20, 2005 11:55 PM
Omg thats freakin funny!!!!! HAHA!!! AWesome!!!
Posted by: Allysa at January 25, 2005 06:34 PM
fucking funny dudes
Posted by: jamie at February 8, 2005 11:56 AM
