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January 06, 2005
Insecurities and the definition of 'Me'
My personal's ad: SAF [single asian female], 21yrs, 5', medium build, small breasts, geeky, vulgar, fun, crazy, introspective and brilliant. Seeking SM to have stimulating conversations, try new things, and have fun with. Must be nerdy.What defines me?
Regardless of what you see in the webcam [since admittedly I can look pretty hot there ..the pictures come out way better than I actually look in real life. It's more of a gimmick to make people come to my site than anything], I consider myself to be a girl of average to slightly below average looks. When not domineering the internet realm, I have fairly low self esteem.
Of late, I've been going out more than I have in the past, in the process exposing myself to the public. As a result of this I have been learning how to mingle with people who in high school who I would probably been hesitant to talk to or would have ignored me.
In these situations in the past, clubs, bars, parties, I've contented myself with becoming so incredibly fucked up on drugs that I don't care about my insecurities anymore. However, since the decline of my alcohol tolerance due to several bouts of overdrinking, and my recent lack of drug use, I have come to drink much less in these group socials which results in great discomfort and feelings of insecurity and embarassment on my part.
I have to ask myself why?
Why do I feel like the nerd that sneaks into the party?
Here are the reasons that I have come to grips with:
1. I feel as if all the people [girls, boys] dressed all nice are part of the "beautiful people" crowd... a crowd to which I do not belong.
2. Everyone seems like they know why they're where they are. They are standing with purpose. They are sitting in the chair with purpose. I have no purpose.
3. It seems as if most people have mastered the art of smalltalk and/or dancing, smalltalk something which has never been appealing to me and dancing which has never come to me naturally.
How did these insecurities come about? What defines me?
For this and as an ode to the new year, I would like to take a photo-enhanced trip down memory lane.![]() | 9 years ago I...
Had really big glasses. Got bullied in school. Got gum put in my hair on the bus. Ran away from home. Cried myself to sleep every night. Hadn't seen my dad in more than a year. |
![]() | 4 years ago I...
Started college. Information and Computer Science major. Met people who were bad influences. Learned that I could get away from life by doing drugs. |
![]() | 2 years ago I...
Was in love. Had been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. Finally stopped punishing myself with sharp objects. Stopped blogging. Was still a nerd. |
![]() | This year I...
Am still a nerd. Still trying to get over it. Want to be a 'cool people' Will stop fucking around. |
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Links of note: sooji for linking me as inspiration. The following people commented: Stile of stileproject and camwhores (you've always been my blog-idol...seriously.), RaSenGan (even though you think i'm dirty.. haha), Michael, Sidric, bob aka merry (?), Lan[crazy amounts of inspiration], property_of_nick, better tomorrow, Eric, John, Clint, Allen {PIMP},, vinh, Josh, minh, Liss [HOT chick], Brett, irene, tim, dA_rEaL_MexApInO, click_here_for_pics, , Wilson, and Megan. Thanks for commenting. StillADick for subscribing to me because I think his writing style is fucking amazing and I hope he gets 1/10th enjoyment being subscribed to me as I've had reading his site.
Posted by Kim at January 6, 2005 02:33 AM
Comments
Damn Kim, I'm glad to see madpimp back up! To me, you'll always be the key club person I met in high school, without knowing it. -_-. Take care!
Posted by: Steve Ahn at January 6, 2005 04:17 AM
Confront you? I hope this isn't a confrontation but more of a pat on the shoulder. I'm not used to you blogging so much, so I go check and then there was a bajillion entries. Yay you're back. =P I really don't have a cohesive meaning to this comment other than that I will just blabber for a bit since I just woke up because I couldn't sleep.
1) You have nothing to be ashamed of, or insecure about, looks wise or intellectually. Seriously. I often like going places with you because everyone just gravitates towards you, and I get left alone. Woot.
2) Mean people are incredibly sucky, and I'm sorry that they were mean to you or affected you in such a shitty manner. Grrrr.
3) Bipolar disorder is incredibly difficult to deal with, my step-dad was bipolar, and it was very hard to grapple with. I think that it's very courageous for you to even mention anything about it.
4) People who seem to know where they are and what they're doing often don't. Or if they do, they will change their minds. It's just a giant game of faked confidence, or self deception. I often partake in this so I can give myself some sanity but honestly, if you ask them they really don't know what they're doing or where they stand in life.
4) Smalltalk. You are good at smalltalk AND dancing. I have seen you in action.
Feel like the nerd, embrace the nerd, it is in you and it is nothing but good. I admittedly have been going out a lot too, eh, some of it is to find myself and what not but I don't know. I guess that people appreciate the combination of things that you are and that as your friends, we don't want you any other way than comfortable with yourself and with us. Meh, this is cheesy, but you are already cool and you don't even know it. Yeah...
Posted by: Crystal at January 6, 2005 04:57 AM
Nicely put Crystal, but to add... personally I think 'nerds' are damn cool. Generally they are more insightful and IMO allot more genuine. I also don't believe in the tag 'cool people' because everyone has their own opinions on what’s constitutes someone as being cool. For example, I think you're damn cool and you shouldn't need to seek for it any longer. I know this is only the internet and I can only perceive you with what you present to me on your site, but from your blogs and stories I admire your incredible imagination, talent, courage, and wit. Look wise, I don't think I need to comment because no matter how glossied up those pix are it still doesn't do you justice. If there is such a 'title', in my book and to the people around you that matters, you are 'cool people'.
Posted by: RaSenGan at January 6, 2005 07:36 AM
Nerds are teh r0x0Rz! *adjust glasses* And really, I'm sure that most of the the fucktards that have wronged you in the past (IE:chool), surely regret it now. I know I would... Though I wouldn't be one of those jackholes, I'd be the quiet nerd on the other side of the room comptemplating why we're still on the same subject we were a month ago and then be like "fuck it" and sit there bored out of my mind... Oh wait, well, that would be if it was the school I went to where we were basically two or three years behind the "good" schools, heh.
Nothing like getting out of highschool with what would be a 9th grade education other places, heh. I wish I could have been your nerd buddy! *cries*
I wish I could let go of my insecurities, but every time I look in the mirror I'm reminded! MWAH! The only way I've been able to handle it is by trying to take things seriously, though sometimes I do and that's when the sucking begins (and not the fun kind).
Erm umm.... Yeah, it's nice to see you back! And I've learned something new, even though it's kinda the opposite of what I thought I knew about you... Not like I know anything though, we've never communicated. :\ Maybe I e-mailed you once a long time ago, I dunno, maybe I didn't... I seem to sort of remember doing so, maybe it was a dream? Either way I know I didn't get a reply, doh! I don't know if you ever had your e-mail address or any other contact info up on your site. :( Or maybe I've just need to look harder? Blah! I suck!
Posted by: DC at January 6, 2005 02:06 PM
Just to support the posts above me, when I met someone new, and they ask something like "What are you into?", I'll usually respond "I'm a nerd! :D" Times have changed since the days when nerds were automatically associated with the worst of the worst of the socially imcompetant, and hell~ if they feel like treating you lower just becuase of how you spend your free time, then who the fuck cares about someone like that anyway? ^^
Posted by: Sid at January 6, 2005 07:24 PM
hey kim, remember me? I was in norcal for most of the break and I talked to my friend Tuan and he said he was dancing with you at a circle k event thingy...now he chuckles...
anyway, how's this for nerdy...wanna learn how to play capcom vs. snk 2? hahaha...err yeah...im being serious...cuz i play that game a lot and i think it's a fun hobby...anyway i can teach you but i guess i just wanna talk to you again cuz you were one of the more interesting people i've met at uci.
Posted by: john nuch at January 6, 2005 11:26 PM
So, I'm confused. You don't think you're attractive? I've always thought you were quite good looking. Even had a crush on you for a while freshman year.
Anyway, I'm hoping this helps you feel better. It's all honest, too. C'mon and say 'hi' to me if you see me around. We should hang out at some point.
Posted by: ~MS at January 8, 2005 05:18 PM




















