Name: Kim
Age: 21
School: UCI
Men have called me mad; but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence --- whether much that is glorious- whether all that is profound --- does not spring from disease of thought --- from moods of mind exalted at the expense of the general intellect. -- edgar allan poe

Main | December 2004 »

November 30, 2004

Where is it?

Sometimes, I cannot help but ask...

Where has my motivation gone? Why am I cold inside? Why do I just want to curl up underneath my blanket and not move until the world around me has crumbled? Why do I not do any work? Why do I have so much work? Why do I take on so much when I know that I have days like this?

Why am I cold inside?

------

On a brighter note, I found Lairay.

Posted by Kim at 08:35 PM | Comments (4)

November 24, 2004

Correction

Actually, I think he was 16, and I was 13.

I have a bad memory.

Posted by Kim at 12:35 AM | Comments (2)

November 23, 2004

The past, the internet, and my first boyfriend.

Because of a friend, I've been thinking a lot about the past lately. Much of it is of my quasai-famous days as a blogger -- when the internet *seemed* saturated with blogs, but but blog*spot, xanga, and livejournal had not yet really hit it off.

However, this feeling of nostalgia took my mind back to paths that I had long forgotten about. The days were my internet life didn't revolve around the great "world wide web" but was fastened to the fascination called e-mail, and a new-spangled service called AOL.

So, I'm going to tell you a story about my past.

I was one of the first people I knew to have a modem. Hell, I didn't even know what a modem really did when I first got it. That was in fourth/fifth grade (about 11 years ago). It wasn't until I was in 7th grade when I installed the newfangled windows95 onto my computer that I got Juno -- the first free e-mail service. I still remember my first ever email address - krazykim@juno.com. I wonder who has it now.

My first AOL was AOL 2.5. Now, I have to tell you, that this was in the dark ages -- my modem [because it was one of the first] was extremely slow. Remember your 28k? Mine was a 2400 baud modem -- aka 2.4k. ...yeah. I know.

Anyhow, this AOL was amazing! I could talk to people through text in real time! That was really cool.

In one of these chat rooms (teen chat, i believe) I met a guy named ZazU(some number) from Canada. I told him I was 15, he said he was 17 -- I was really 12 (but who cares?).

You know those faces on the milk cartons? That probably could have been me. I was definately not careful back in the day, and if Zazu(some number) wasn't such a stand up guy, I probably wouldn't be around today to tell the story.

Anyhow, this guy, turned out to be named Lairay (my last name). He was from Canada and he was really nice and fun and smart. Unfortunately, he thought I was 15. Long story short, I told him how old I was 8 months after we met, and long after we had become "boyfriend/girlfriend".

I have long since lost the gold-plated ID bracelet he sent me with my name engraved on the front and "love Lairay" engraved on the back... But I still have the letter he wrote to me and link pieces from that very bracelet that we had to take off because the bracelet was too big. I still have printouts [for some reason i printed everything at the beginning of my internet career] of almost all of our e-mails in a binder somewhere at home.

And sometimes, like today, I still wonder whatever happend to Lairay, my first boyfriend, and only internet love.

So, if your name is Lairay and you remember a girl from 10 years ago (has it really been that long?) that you loved from the internet, give me a holler.

I've been thinking about you.

Posted by Kim at 11:59 PM | Comments (10)

Cleaning up the mess

As with most indulgences, alcohol, food, sex... when it ends, you have to clean up what was left in its wake.

My time of indulgence is over. Now that I'm well enough to be awake for a good chunk of the day without needing to sleep, I have to try to pick up the pieces I carelessly let slip out of my fingers. --That is, I have to start doing the work that I've been neglecting for the past week and a half.

As I started to do my thing, I felt like crap still, but oddly motivated to try to work harder. Then I got tired and had to sit down. For the 5 hours I was up and about, I felt good, though. More free than I have for a while.

I don't want to disappoint myself anymore.

Posted by Kim at 02:28 AM | Comments (13)

November 22, 2004

A little bit of poetry

A little bit of nostalgia.
November.2000 I posted this [a little edited for flow]:
[original post]

Once I thought I was original,
But I soon realized I took the thought,
Once I thought I was individual,
But individuality is not what I sought,
Once I thought friendship had meaning,
But even this is not what it seems,
Once I had many goals gleaming,
Now they seem like distant dreams,
All I have worked for seems a sham,
No body really gives a damn,
Except for you, my light,
Who came to me in the dark night,
Took away the cold, removed the blight,
Took away the dark, restored my sight,
I thank you for making me smile,
The sweetest feeling I have ever known,
Let me love you silently while,
I wait for the day you become my own.

It was probably written for Nick.

Posted by Kim at 02:02 AM | Comments (6)

November 21, 2004

Love or relationship?

I've been doing a lot of reflecting about love and the effects it has on me. Naturally impulsive, sometimes in the past I've fallen into relationships even though I didn't really have any feelings for them beyond the first spark that ignites when I'm getting to know a person. Once the mystery is gone, and I get the moment of 'aha!' and realize what had attracted me to the person in the first place, I usually begin to lose interest.

Throughout my short ass life, I think I've loved two people. The first feels like a mistake of childhood. The second I'm still not over. Hell, the first I'm still not completely 'over'.

Can you ever really stop loving someone once you've completely given into the feeling?

I really don't think you can. And yet... a big part of me wants a relationship. Even with all these fucked up feelings inside of me, myself knowing that my heart -- esepcially right now -- does not have room for anyone else.

Am I that superficial, physical, a person, that I just want someone to lean on, someone to hold my hand, someone to label in my mind as mine? -- Even though in my heart I know right now that regardless what is physical, mentally I cannot belong to anyone else?

I still wear the necklace he gave me. When I touch it I remember his words before he left.

I'm so selfish.

Posted by Kim at 07:36 PM | Comments (3)

Renewed VIGOR!

Okay... Once again I'm going to attempt to revive my writing spirit. This time my theme is VIGOR! Haha. :) While fixing up the layout a little bit (just moving it from one server to another), and busting out with some old-ass coding skillz. Oh yeah, THE PIMP IS BACK.... With VIGOR!!!

Anyway, my goal is to get the amount of visitors back to at least what is now my "average" on my EXTREEMMEEEEEEE (ode to LAN) Tracking. So...It's down to around 130 a day at this point. YIPES! I barely get 15 hits a day these days. :P

You know what that means, right? I just have to make better content.

That, and get naked more often. :)

What? Who said that?

Posted by Kim at 06:55 AM | Comments (1)

I am so cool!

After doing a whole bunch of searching and a crapload of procrastinating, I found a PERL script that allows one to simutaneously post on MovableType and Xanga at once -- thus allowing me to have my own layout [YAY] and post on Xanga at the same time (for those of you who are xanga-ites...) :) Yay me.

Um. Yeah, I'm a nerd -- but hey, at least I didn't actually WRITE the script [hehe.. though if I didn't find one I might have. ;_;)

BUT! If you want to do the same thing (I know a few of you out there own your own sites... Here is the URL for the script =D

http://www.markwang.com/projects/xangamirror/

Posted by Kim at 05:28 AM | Comments (0)

Testing

Testing my new blog mirroring software.

Posted by Kim at 05:24 AM | Comments (0)

November 09, 2004

Tired... mind, body, soul

There's too much stuff to do. Not enough time, motivation, strength to do it. I wish I could ask for help, but there's no one who can really help me. This is something I have to get through by myself.

I get sick too often. Why is my body so weak? Is that a sign of a weak mind? -- "I feel stupid" - Honda Tohru, fruits basket.

I don't want to be where I am in life anymore... and i don't like where i'm going... but is there any place i would rather be?

My negativity seems to be reaching new levels.

Posted by Kim at 09:42 PM | Comments (0)

November 08, 2004

As good a time as any

It's as good a time as any to start my blog again. :) FTC pictures are up --

Click for Kim's FTC pics

Click for CNH Official Slideshow pics

UCI Circle K pics

:) Too tired/sick for now to write.

Posted by Kim at 04:42 AM | Comments (1)